i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
