I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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