I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
