sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
