I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
