i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Randomize
