i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
