He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
