Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
