don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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