if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Buhtt sex?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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