Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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