when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize