He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
