I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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