I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize