You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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