hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
