trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
3 2 1 whiskey
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