ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
