You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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