I will die if light touches me.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
