Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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