i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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