yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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