So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
