dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize