I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
