she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
