I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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