ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
