My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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