my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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