So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
