So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
People in love make me want to vomit
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
