2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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