My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It was confusing and full of hummus
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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