Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize