I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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