my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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