I can text with my tongue
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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