this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
why is half of my head shaved?
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