I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
