Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
