chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
