i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
