I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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