I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
