guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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