Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize