i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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