and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
