So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
