I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
