I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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