i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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