just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
