I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
