This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
