I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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