I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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