I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
