I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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